Always Loved You Better
by Adele Elisabeth
Summary: Do you know he loved you back? Do you know I always loved you better" (HarryPansy, mention of LuciusPansy. Companion to "Ma Belle Pensee", will make much more sense if you read that first)


[Disclaimer: the monkey and I own nothing you see here]

Author's Note: This is far from my best effort. Sigh. Well, it's a companion piece to _Ma Belle Pensee_, this time from Harry's point of view. It's basically a short little thing I threw together in the space of about an hour because I had nothing better to do, and I always meant to write the Harry/Pansy version. (Actually, I'm considering doing an actual fic-fic of it, instead of these short little toss-offs...but the last thing I need is yet another project to start and then forget, so hey)

Always Loved You Better

"Do you know he loved you back? Do you know I always loved you better?" (Harry/Pansy, mention of Lucius/Pansy. Companion to "Ma Belle Pensee", will make much more sense if you read that first)

I never meant to kill Pansy.

I was leaving, I was just going to lock her in, go get Moody…do _something_…but she wouldn't leave it, she wouldn't, she was Pansy damn Parkinson and she just _had _to have the last word. She grabbed my arm, spun me around -- I didn't think, I didn't have a chance to think, I just reacted. _Instincts_. Moody made us start carrying knives as well as wands, after Hermione's brush with death when her wand got away from her…

I don't know which of us was more shocked. She didn't even scream. She just stared at me as she crumpled forward into my arms, her precious _pure_ blood soaking us both.

I killed her. It was an accident, but I killed her.

She wanted me to listen to her. She wanted me to understand. She wanted me to see that she was only doing what she felt she needed to do -- to survive, and couldn't I understand that? It was so damn selfish and so completely _Pansy_, but she didn't deserve to die, never like that.

* * *

Pansy lied, and she was good at it. She was convincing. She wasn't the first Slytherin to come to us -- most notably, Draco Malfoy did, though he never discussed his reasons for rebelling against his father. She had no Mark, but she did have information -- which she claimed she was getting from paying attention around home, around her father. We fell for it, especially when her information was so _useful_.

The first time I saw her, she looked even smaller than she was. Really, she timed it perfectly. She went to Hogwarts, and insisted on seeing the Headmaster. I was already in his office, I'd been waiting to speak with him about…God, I forget now. It's been a few years. But it was a miserable night, pissing down with rain. Pansy didn't wear a cloak, and she was absolutely soaked through by the time she arrived at the Castle. Professor Snape had given her his cloak, and was berating her about the foolishness of wandering around in the rain like that. It's bizarre, looking back on it. She looked so small, in this huge cloak, sitting in front of Dumbledore's fire, little wet bedraggled thing. Innocent, like one of those china dolls.

She wouldn't answer any of our questions to begin with -- yeah, I had a few of my own too -- and then she just mechanically rattled off Pettigrew's exact location.

"You can use that, can't you? You can have your friend back, and you'll keep me safe?"

I remember thinking how awful that was, that she thought she had to buy her safety.

* * *

Pansy made friends easily, when she wasn't being the snobby tart I remembered from classes. Hermione and her never got along, but she made fast friends with Tonks -- went over to her apartment a few times.

About a month after Sirius was officially cleared, Tonks went missing. In retrospect, we should've seen the connection, but we didn't.

She gave us Sirius, and then she gave Malfoy Tonks. 'Cleansed' the Black family tree. I don't think she cleared the Pettigrew stunt with the higher-ups, but I hear Bellatrix Lestrange 'saw to' Tonks personally.

* * *

She was always there when I couldn't sleep. Said she had nightmares too, and she liked to have tea with honey when she couldn't get back to sleep. Only the house-elves had always made it _for_ her…

It was hard to be the grim hero when Pansy Parkinson is gazing apologetically up at you from the kitchen floor, having managed to blow up the kettle, which exploded the honey-jar next to it, covering our sheepish heroine in warm honey.

Apparently, she wanted to be helpful, and since tea with honey always helped _her_, she thought I might…

And it was all an act. All a lie. All that, she was doing it deliberately, cold-bloodedly working towards her goal. Someone on both sides who would walk through fire for her. Someone who would keep her safe.

She chose me because I am _the boy who lived_.

"Why are you with me, Pansy?" he asked her suddenly, threading his fingers through hers.

"I love you." She replied, pressing a kiss to his knuckles. "Silly."

"Why do you love me, then?" he persisted, sitting up.

"Because you're Harry." She said it as if it explained everything. "You're my Harry, and I'm your Pansy, and that's the way the world works now."

She always sounded as though she knew exactly what she was talking about. She was so damn sure of herself, all the time. It's funny, she told me she loved me, she said it was 'because I'm Harry', when really…

God.

* * *

Snape found her out.

He was attending a meeting, and…and she was there. She'd never reported directly to Voldemort before, she'd always given Lucius information to use as he would, apparently. But this time, Voldemort wanted to meet his pretty little spy personally.

She didn't bat an eyelash at the sight of Snape. She didn't give him away; she acted as though he weren't even there. She told Voldemort that Order HQ was Hogwarts, which he already believed. She told him about a raid we had planned on a Death Eater's home, but she never once mentioned the major plans we had for Voldemort. Plans I _know_ she knew about, because she was sitting there on my lap for most of the meetings. She mixed truth and lies to make a perfectly convincing blend, then retreated to the relative safety of Lucius Malfoy's arms, watching Snape from beneath Malfoy's cloak.

"I'm sorry, Potter."

"Forget it, Professor."

* * *

For all she was playing a game, a dangerous game, a game she _lost_…in a way, Pansy won.

She's dead, but we _loved_ her. Malfoy and I. He wants me dead, and I know it. Pansy must have organized to meet him, the day I…the day she died. I left her body there to get…I don't know, help…when I got back, he was holding her, one arm under her knees, the other arm cradling her against his chest, her eyes closed…if it weren't for the blood, and the way her arm hung limply, I might have thought she was dozing.

He didn't say anything. There was no time for words, before he Apparated away with her. But I saw my life end in his eyes, and sooner or later he's _going_ to come after me, somehow.

So, congratulations, Pansy. You're dead and gone, but we're still fighting for you. I hate him, because I remember silly, honey-covered Pansy who sat on the kitchen table while _I_ cleaned up her mess and made us both tea. I don't know what you were to him, but…

I know you loved him, Pansy. I know that wasn't my name you wasted your last breath on, I'm not that far gone yet.

Do you know he loved you back?

Do you know I always loved you better?


End file.
